Sunday, March 30, 2014

Married in isolation

Wanting. I am left wanting. My husband pushes me away when I try to really understand him. I'm not sure why. The fact that I don't understand makes me want to press him further. Why doesn't he tell me what he's feeling? I don't understand why he won't discuss his feelings. I try to ask him why he feels a certain way about something. I share my feelings and yet he tells me he doesn't know or it's too hard and he turns away. I'm left wanting. I want more from him. I ask him to try harder. I'm instantly mad that he does this. It's a pattern between us. That I see. I want him to be more open and he feels like he can't do it. It's our biggest challenge. We're married and we have problems. There I've said it. Part of me feels that it's all normal. Everyone has something that's difficult. Something they fight about more than once. I'm not sure how often it comes up for us. But I'm seeing it recur more often as of late.

Part of me feels that I should just accept it as it is. This is something he can't do. He's just not able to express himself in this way. I should look for this kind of understanding in my other friends.

Another part of me thinks damn him! I will get him to speak, I will get him to express his mind. I will get him to hear me, and really understand why this is so important to me. I will get him to express his feelings through words or I will leave. I have trouble feeling that I will be able to accept his silence for a lifetime. After everything, all we have left is our ability to connect. Connecting through words is what I place the most value on in our relationship and he's having difficulty in my opinion and I'm having difficulty because he isn't able to reflect on his own emotions and what's causing them.

I'm here in a state away from my family and my dear friends. I'm here with him and his family and I feel alone. I feel alone in this timezone that separates me from having late night calls and impromptu visits with my friends. When it's late on the West Coast, it's an ungodly hour on the East Coast where my friends and family are. This feeling of isolation is becoming overwhelming and I want it to stop.

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