Friday, April 4, 2014

Am I a good wife?

My one year anniversary is coming up and I don't feel like I'm a good wife. I love my husband, he's a kind man and a good man. Me? I'm not so sure I'm kind nor good. Really I think of myself as a bad person.

It's barely one year into the marriage and the level of life long commitment is really hitting me. My husband and I have been together for six years but married for one. So I don't feel like we rushed the marriage. But I do feel that no matter what you do, things look differently on the other side. You have expectations and once you're there, you're comparing notes and questioning everything. Why!? It doesn't seem my husband lacks faith because he's good and kind. I on the other hand enjoy torturing myself.

It was my perception that I'd be a good wife. I love romance stories. I've always wanted to be married. I have two parents that are happily married and have been for 32 years. I studied psychology. I talk about my feelings. I'm very decisive. We did pre-marital counseling. I thought those were the steps. I thought if I followed the rules, went to college, got a good job, you could also have a perfect marriage.

Now I'm feeling that marriage will keep me from getting lonely when I'm old, but I'm not old!! I'm 27 and I feel like maybe I settled down too soon. Why didn't I wait until 40 to get married? I love my husband, but the truth is that I don't know for sure where things are going and what I see our marriage evolving into.

Why did I get married? I mean why did I really get married? It seemed like an accomplishment at the time. It seemed like a goal line. I had been dating for longer than the appropriate amount of time and I wanted to make a serious commitment to the relationship.  We decided to move across the country together and this merited a ring. It seemed logical. Don't get me wrong, I thought about marriage for a long time before agreeing to marriage. When we started dating, I could tell things were getting serious fast and I told him that I didn't want to get married for a while, so that I didn't want him to ask for years. When I knew I was getting closer to a possible proposal, I asked myself what I really wanted and if I really wanted him. There wasn't any one thing or any one moment that decided it for me. It was just that I couldn't imagine not being with him. Now, I guess I feel differently. Did I think this would change so rapidly? No. I'm surprised at myself and ashamed for how I feel at this moment. But I guess that means it could change in a year.

The real question is why I'm having these feelings anyway. Truthfully, I think one person is putting these thoughts into my head. My last boyfriend before my husband. He torments me. I still love him. The weird thing is that he's someone who I could NEVER live with. He's completely infuriating. When we're together both of our emotions run high. That's what we do to each other. We're absolutely electric. Things are either completely amazing or completely turned upside-down. The chemistry is incredible, but absolutely explosive.  I haven't seen him in a year, but yet I still dream about him on a regular basis. (We remain friends and have the same circle of friends from college) It's like I'm plagued with thoughts of him. Honestly, I thought I would quickly forget about him as time moved on. The connection seems to only have increased. But I don't get it. How could I be feeling this way without seeing him? It's like he has been messing with my head. Is it possible that he's poisoned me with thoughts of him because he's having thoughts of me? That's something else I've decided. There's something between us and that's why this hasn't died yet. It's not just me. It's what he's doing too. He's perpetuating the issue. Argghhhhhhhhhhhhh! What am I going to do. I want to do something. I want to see him and see if I really have these feelings, or I've just been imagining all of this and making it worse in my mind. But then of course I'm afraid of what I might do.

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