Thursday, April 24, 2014

The emerging Asians

Asians are said to be the fastest growing minority population in the US. 

Let that sink in. 

Okay. So while you might be picking apart this sentiment for its lack of supported research or the absurd wording of the statement, let's assume its true. Asians are growing in America. That means that the commercial world is attacking them with...well maybe the commercial world is actually really behind. 

As an Asian American, it's actually really really strange how few famous actresses and models appear to market to us. In 20 years it's changed somewhat. I can now actually find an Asian looking woman in a magazine, but there are still many more white and black women. I do not say this as a judgment but as an observation. 

What if this market is Could that be possible that asvertisers and media moguls haven't even realized the cash cow they're sitting on? They could create a sitcom featuring an Asian family, they could have commercials targeted at Asian families, they could have pictures of Asian models selling fast food. 

Well if the media dramatically changed, I know it would be purely for perceived financial gain. They would have changed earlier if they wanted to be "sensitive" or politically correct. So what would I actually feel if I started to notice the media changing? Oddly I would feel accepted. Them validating that I'm not alone or ugly would be a gratifying feeling. Even if I know the intent is monetary gain, at least I know I can no longer be ignored. 

Acting my age

I just had a birthday. I turned 28 and it's the first time that I remember feeling anything but gleeful. I look back on when I would just jump for joy because it was my day, I could celebrate me and everyone loved me on this day. 

My husband tells me it's a natural process of getting older. But I'm not willing to accept that. I have so many things to look forward to in my life and so many things to be grateful for. Why shouldn't I wake up smiling and jumping out of bed? Why shouldn't I want to sing in the shower and skip to work? I think I should feel happier and I'm determined to investigate what's getting me down so much. 

I made an appointment to see a therapist. I realized that I feel a lot of pressure and I need to talk to someone who can be neutral about my situation but help give me clarity to my feelings. Ultimately, I want a plan. I want an exact map of how to be incredibly happy and love an amazing life. So I'm going to continue seeking it. 

Things that I've been planning for greater happiness include:
-making a timeline to create a career around my passions
-stopping commitments that aren't bettering myself or creating joy
-resting more
-playing more and enjoying fun activities that don't serve another purpose 
-seeing my family more
-taking trips to see my friends more
-writing out my travel aspirations and how to get there
-using yoga as a center

And of course of it's not totally obvious. This blog is intended for my own sanity. To give me a safe outlet to express myself and feel like there's someone who cares. 

Plus I can dream that it's the start of the next great American novel. 

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Loving My Ex

What is it about my ex boyfriend that makes me still love him?

I heard that little miss sunshine song, "we're gonna make it" and I instantly became nostalgic for him. We watched that movie together when it first came out. What remains of him are these feelings. I had a sense of absolute freedom when we dated. We were young, beautiful (as young people in naive love often are so pure and undefined) and careless. I want that back. That time. That era. Being with him rekindles those feelings of being young and so free. We were un-tethered to the world and it's harsh realm of responsibilities.

I loved his calm. I loved how he looked at me and told me I was beautiful. I loved how when we were together we couldn't get enough of each other. We were close and we tried to drink each other up.
Still, he was so hidden from me in many ways. He hid his feeling about his family. He hid how he really felt about me. And he hid how he felt about his closest friendships.

It's really what he represents not who he is that makes me love him.


I feel like I'm swirling. I have these vague images of what I want, but when I reach out to gain clarity it's beyond my grasp. I'm just floating out in the middle on a leaf. I don't crash into anything and I don't glide toward anything. I'm repelled by everything around me. 

I want to go to the top. I want to feel the sun but I'm stuck. I feel heavy and dark. 

I need a guided hand to help me find a path. Things come with time. But I'm finding greater urgency but less direction. How can I be swift with no direction? 

Friday, April 4, 2014

Am I a good wife?

My one year anniversary is coming up and I don't feel like I'm a good wife. I love my husband, he's a kind man and a good man. Me? I'm not so sure I'm kind nor good. Really I think of myself as a bad person.

It's barely one year into the marriage and the level of life long commitment is really hitting me. My husband and I have been together for six years but married for one. So I don't feel like we rushed the marriage. But I do feel that no matter what you do, things look differently on the other side. You have expectations and once you're there, you're comparing notes and questioning everything. Why!? It doesn't seem my husband lacks faith because he's good and kind. I on the other hand enjoy torturing myself.

It was my perception that I'd be a good wife. I love romance stories. I've always wanted to be married. I have two parents that are happily married and have been for 32 years. I studied psychology. I talk about my feelings. I'm very decisive. We did pre-marital counseling. I thought those were the steps. I thought if I followed the rules, went to college, got a good job, you could also have a perfect marriage.

Now I'm feeling that marriage will keep me from getting lonely when I'm old, but I'm not old!! I'm 27 and I feel like maybe I settled down too soon. Why didn't I wait until 40 to get married? I love my husband, but the truth is that I don't know for sure where things are going and what I see our marriage evolving into.

Why did I get married? I mean why did I really get married? It seemed like an accomplishment at the time. It seemed like a goal line. I had been dating for longer than the appropriate amount of time and I wanted to make a serious commitment to the relationship.  We decided to move across the country together and this merited a ring. It seemed logical. Don't get me wrong, I thought about marriage for a long time before agreeing to marriage. When we started dating, I could tell things were getting serious fast and I told him that I didn't want to get married for a while, so that I didn't want him to ask for years. When I knew I was getting closer to a possible proposal, I asked myself what I really wanted and if I really wanted him. There wasn't any one thing or any one moment that decided it for me. It was just that I couldn't imagine not being with him. Now, I guess I feel differently. Did I think this would change so rapidly? No. I'm surprised at myself and ashamed for how I feel at this moment. But I guess that means it could change in a year.

The real question is why I'm having these feelings anyway. Truthfully, I think one person is putting these thoughts into my head. My last boyfriend before my husband. He torments me. I still love him. The weird thing is that he's someone who I could NEVER live with. He's completely infuriating. When we're together both of our emotions run high. That's what we do to each other. We're absolutely electric. Things are either completely amazing or completely turned upside-down. The chemistry is incredible, but absolutely explosive.  I haven't seen him in a year, but yet I still dream about him on a regular basis. (We remain friends and have the same circle of friends from college) It's like I'm plagued with thoughts of him. Honestly, I thought I would quickly forget about him as time moved on. The connection seems to only have increased. But I don't get it. How could I be feeling this way without seeing him? It's like he has been messing with my head. Is it possible that he's poisoned me with thoughts of him because he's having thoughts of me? That's something else I've decided. There's something between us and that's why this hasn't died yet. It's not just me. It's what he's doing too. He's perpetuating the issue. Argghhhhhhhhhhhhh! What am I going to do. I want to do something. I want to see him and see if I really have these feelings, or I've just been imagining all of this and making it worse in my mind. But then of course I'm afraid of what I might do.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Married in isolation

Wanting. I am left wanting. My husband pushes me away when I try to really understand him. I'm not sure why. The fact that I don't understand makes me want to press him further. Why doesn't he tell me what he's feeling? I don't understand why he won't discuss his feelings. I try to ask him why he feels a certain way about something. I share my feelings and yet he tells me he doesn't know or it's too hard and he turns away. I'm left wanting. I want more from him. I ask him to try harder. I'm instantly mad that he does this. It's a pattern between us. That I see. I want him to be more open and he feels like he can't do it. It's our biggest challenge. We're married and we have problems. There I've said it. Part of me feels that it's all normal. Everyone has something that's difficult. Something they fight about more than once. I'm not sure how often it comes up for us. But I'm seeing it recur more often as of late.

Part of me feels that I should just accept it as it is. This is something he can't do. He's just not able to express himself in this way. I should look for this kind of understanding in my other friends.

Another part of me thinks damn him! I will get him to speak, I will get him to express his mind. I will get him to hear me, and really understand why this is so important to me. I will get him to express his feelings through words or I will leave. I have trouble feeling that I will be able to accept his silence for a lifetime. After everything, all we have left is our ability to connect. Connecting through words is what I place the most value on in our relationship and he's having difficulty in my opinion and I'm having difficulty because he isn't able to reflect on his own emotions and what's causing them.

I'm here in a state away from my family and my dear friends. I'm here with him and his family and I feel alone. I feel alone in this timezone that separates me from having late night calls and impromptu visits with my friends. When it's late on the West Coast, it's an ungodly hour on the East Coast where my friends and family are. This feeling of isolation is becoming overwhelming and I want it to stop.